she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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