she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
