Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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