I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
