I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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