she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
