im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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