my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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