When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
