I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
