I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
