I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.