he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?