So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It's Friday. Sex?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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