Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
