Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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