he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
