Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
