So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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