Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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