I think I just saw someone hide a body.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
