my mouth tastes like poor choices
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
