Can i not drive my cunt home
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
