So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
