Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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