This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
