Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
