I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
