Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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