I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
