i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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