Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
