how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
