I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
