Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
