dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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