Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
