I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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