How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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