I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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