so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
