he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
