I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
