I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
