Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.