Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"