I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
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Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
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From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..