I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
