i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
