my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
