im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
