I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.