just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
