On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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