The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
