too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
