If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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